Happy Friday!aHappy
Did you have a good week? Say "Yes!" to put you in the right frame of mind for the weekend (the power of positive thinking). Did you acknowledge something you were grateful for? If you didn't say "yes", it's not too late. Go for it. It will lift your mood.
One of the organizations I was active in when I lived in Syracuse, New York just sent out their monthly newsletter which is dedicated to the topic of friendship (and yesterday was International Friendship Day). Friends are such an important part of our lives. Close friendships are associated with happiness, self-esteem, a sense of purpose and even a longer lifespan. They shape your life, getting to know yourself as well as other people better. Friends can also help you reach your goals or advance your career and help prevent loneliness. Sometimes, a good friend can provide support or a sounding board that a family member cannot.
Friendship is defined by Britannica as "a state of enduring and reciprocated affection, esteem, intimacy and trust between two people". Friendships are particularly important during adolescence, when biological and social changes occur so rapidly, and in old age. During adolescence, status is often determined by belonging to a clique or peer group. While this may be true, individuals who are shy or "unpopular" may have very close friendships and popular people may not have any real friendships. And sometimes hanging out with the "wrong crowd" can lead to bad outcomes.
What are the key elements that contribute to the bonds of friendship, even for people who seem unlikely partners?
Firstly, friendship is voluntary. It is sometimes unexpected, but it can't be forced. One of the most important elements of friendship is a foundation of honesty and trust. It's okay to disagree, but when disagreements arise, addressing the conflict in a constructive way can strengthen the relationship. This may be in the form of an apology or relating how a friend's actions or words made you feel – for better or worse. The other person may not be aware of it, even though it had a powerful albeit unintentional effect. The affective bond is what distinguishes friends from acquaintances.
Friendships are also egalitarian – power is shared equally. They are almost always characterized by companionship and shared activities. Reciprocity is another key feature of friendship – while effort and commitment are required for a strong friendship, it can't be unilateral. The maintenance of friendships involves interactions to sustain them, including shared interests, doing recreational or leisure activities together, and engaging in support and advice. The frequency of interactions is a key determinant of the success of a lasting friendship (as covered in a past Happy Friday post, make that phone call). That said, once an emotional bond of a certain degree is established, quality trumps quantity. I suspect that many of us have long-standing friendships in which we don't communicate much but can easily slip right back into the relationship like we just saw or talked to each other a week prior.
Patterns of friendship change throughout life depending on one's environment and experiences. Children tend to make friends easily, usually with same-sex peers. Adolescents often to have friends of both sexes, although other-sex friendships may be less stable then same-sex friendships. College students are in an environment conducive to having many friends. Friendships in adulthood may center around marriages/partnerships (and dissolutions of same), work, children, community activities and family. Retirement, relocation, widowhood, and illness come into play throughout the lifespan.
Do friends need to know every detail about each other? No, but if one is willing to share, the other should be willing to listen and respond.
The internet and social networking have completely changed the concept of friendship for many people. Even AI is in the game now, providing opportunities for conversations with bots. Unfortunately, this environment is also plagued with predators, fraudsters and scammers. Be careful.
A symposium by Comment.org asked people from around the world, "what is friendship". Here are some of the responses (from GenX and millennials, which impressed me):
- A relationship in which you are able to render yourself vulnerable to the interest, values and deepest loves of your friends
- Loving someone as your own soul
- A relationship of shared belonging that transcends transactions
- A relationship governed by mutual trust
- When two souls find in a web of emotions a strong desire to serve one another without asking anything in return
- A relationship chosen over and over again without coercion, nurtured through mutual encouragement, without pretense; sealed by unforced smiles, fist bumps and laughter; and marked by conversations unsatisfied with surface-level chatter.
- Love in action, tutored by mutual affection and accountability and ordered to the good that friends share in common
- Being there for each other. No matter what.
- And for the math nerds: [(Affection + Loyalty) X Time X (Conflict/Trust)] X Grace = Friendship
I am grateful for the many friends I have made throughout my life, and to those I have not yet met. And to the best friend of all, my husband. May your weekend be enhanced by spending time with your friends!
Deb
This might put a smile on your face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Du60Ysm0Au4